Many people come from
dysfunctional homes. That doesn't necessarily mean alcoholism or drug
abuse is in the home. Alcohol and drug abuse are merely forms of
dysfunction. There are many forms of dysfunction, but to simplify the
term, any home in which Christ is not the Head, is dysfunctional.
Physical abuse, mental
abuse, sexual abuse, or even a highly demanding parent can produce
dysfunction in a home. The parent who requires constant perfection
initiates a climate of performance orientation in the home. The child
is prompted to perform to receive love and attention. This is a
dysfunctional home atmosphere.
Psalm
139:13-15: "For thou didst form
my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb. I will give
thanks to Thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful
are Thy works, and my soul knows it very well.
In this passage of
scripture, David talks about the time of our formation in our
mother's womb God formed our inward parts. God created us. There is a
very important sense of connection while we are in our mother's womb.
Of course, there is a physical connection through the umbilical
chord, but there is also another connection. It is in the form of
love and acceptance. This connection provides a feeling that all is
well. It is a feeling of acceptance and security.
A certain phenomenon exists
with all babies. If they are not shown love, if they are not touched
and cuddled, they will die. As a matter of fact, that can happen even
in the womb, when the babies are unwanted. That phenomenon is called
marasmas. It is a gradual and continuous wasting away of the body.
The phenomenon of marasmus proves there is a definite need within us
for connectedness.
We are all born into
connected relationships. Unless there is the threat of abortion or
adoption while we are in the womb, we will probably feel connected
and we will have a sense of love and acceptance.
As our lives unfold, we
experience situations that bridge or connect us to people. One very
important bridge is the act of touching. That is one of the reasons
this program encourages hugging. The act of touching brings an extra
dimension into the relationship. Touching is a bridge that connects
people. Also, when we feel secure and accepted in the presence of
others, that bridges us to them. It tightens our relationship, and
promotes connectedness.
Often, our bridges of
connection with people become broken. Sometimes they are repaired and
reinstated, but many times they are not. For instance, our father may
have disciplined or spanked us because we did something he told us
not to do. During the spanking there was probably a lot of fear and
anger in us.
The bridge between our
father and us may have been temporarily broken. But after he
disciplined us, if he sat us down and said, "I love you, and that's
why I disciplined you," that bridge was repaired.
Many of our early bridges
are repaired in that fashion. In early childhood we tend to
experience broken bridges very easily, but some of those breaks are
merely hairline fractures. Such breaks can usually be repaired with a
kind word and a hug. The problem comes when we experience a broken
bridge that does not get repaired. This problem is most common when
we are raised in a dysfunctional home.
Breaks of this type
disconnect us from the assurance of security and acceptance and love
that we need. If our father tells us we are useless, we are nothing
but a burden, the family would be better off if they had never had
us, that creates a deep break. With such a break, all of our
connection and our feeling of security and acceptance leave
immediately.
Breaks of this type can
produce guilt and shame and anger and fear. When bridges are broken
in this manner and never repaired, the disconnection from love and
security begins to widen. This may cause us to react by striving to
bridge the gap with over-achievement and performance. We begin to do
things to get attention because we have been disconnected
We were deeply wounded by
those things that were said and done in our meaningful relationships.
As a result, we reach out, we strive to make these relationships
work. We are striving to restore what should be there naturally, but
that bridge has been broken. We can no longer trust the people we
once trusted, we can no longer depend upon what they might do or
say.
At this point, fear creeps
into us. We feel shame, and we feel unworthy. When Dad says to an
eight-year-old child, "You're never going to amount to anything,"
that statement inflicts a deep wound. Unfortunately, the break is
never repaired unless Dad apologizes and says, "I was wrong, I never
should have said that. I love you, and you are
going to amount to something."
If that repair is not made,
our belief system kicks in, and the destructive statement from our
Dad becomes a part of us. We begin to believe what was told us, we
begin to feel that Dad was right, and we begin to behave as if it is
a fact.
As this process continues
to grow, we begin to feel guilty about the things we should do but
aren't doing. We may even begin to feel responsible for things that
are happening in our family.
BROKEN
BRIDGES
THIS DIAGRAM ILLUSTRATES THE NEGATIVE IMPACT IN THE BREAKS IN
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, AND THE DIFFICULTIES WE INCUR IN TRYING TO
RECONNECT. ALL OUR EFFORTS ARE SUBTITUTIONAL UNTIL WE EXPERIENCE
CONVERSION.
Our emotions take over and
we become very angry. We ask ourselves questions, such as, "Why can't
I have parents like the kid down the street? Why doesn't my daddy
love me like Sam's daddy; loves him? Why do my parents have to be
alcoholics?"
We feel miserable. We have
lost the connection that is very necessary to us. God created us with
that need built in. After the disconnection, we do not deliberately
look for alcohol or drugs as a lifestyle. We look for a way in which
we can be reconnected. We want what we had before. We search for the
intimacy of a meaningful relationship. We long for the trust, love
and acceptance we had before the bridge was broken.
As we continue this search,
many of us try chemicals as a way to reconnect, be accepted and
loved. Chemicals give us a feeling of worthiness. When we are under
the influence of chemicals, we enter Fantasyland. We see ourselves as
we wish we were instead of as we really are. We also see situations
as we wish they were instead of as they are.
This diversion from the
truth anesthetizes our pain. Through this whole distorted process, we
are really trying to get back to where we were when we were safely
connected, the place for which God created us. We are trying to
restore our relationships.
It is easy to see that the
more disconnected we are, the more dysfunctional we become Also, the
further our disconnection becomes, the more we try to reconnect. As
we fall into chemical addiction, our behavior becomes more
bizarre.
We are still trying to
re-establish something that is missing, something that God ordained
for us to have. What we don't understand is that re-connection can
only begin when we come to God. Reconnection cannot begin in
relationships with other people. It can only begin in a relationship
with God.
Reconnection begins at
conversion. It begins at the time we invite Jesus Christ into our
heart. After the reconnection process is underway, there are still
behavior patterns with which we have to deal. This is true even
though we have received Christ. We still have to work with the
dysfunctional behavior that has become a part of our lifestyle
When we receive Christ, our
behavior patterns are not immediately eliminated. But this is the
point at which we begin to reconnect. Everyone who has come from a
dysfunctional home must go through this process.
Although we have been
trying to recover from the hurts and wounds of our childhood and the
disconnection in our relationships, the first thing we have to
recover from is drugs and alcohol. We first have to recover from what
we hoped would be the solution to our problem. After we have dealt
with the addiction, we will then be free to return to the point at
which our breaks tock place and deal with them effectively
There is a difference
between guilt and shame. Guilt relates to behavior, while shame
relates to identity. Guilt says "I made
a mistake," but shame says, "I am a mistake." Shame is a
powerful influence. Many addictions are shame based. If we were told
we were a mistake and we accepted it as true, that broke a bridge and
established a shame base.
Rejection, unworthiness,
insecurity, and low self esteem all issue from bridges of
relationships that were broken. Accompanying these breaks in
relationship is the fear of being unprotected.
If we are told we are no
good, our immediate sub-conscious reaction as a child is, "If I'm no
good, I'm not going to be loved, and I'm not going to be protected."
That reveals an area of our lives in which our security has been
taken from us. When we attempt to recover that broken bridge, we are
actually trying to recapture our security.
As we begin to deal with
inner healing and reconciling relationships, there is something we
must understand. If we want the Lord to work in our past, we must be
willing to let Him work in the present. We must be willing to be
reconciled in our present circumstances before we can expect to go
back and be reconciled to past events.
We will not be able to
resolve an incident that happened ten years ago if we can't resolve
something that happened today. If we are not in intimate relationship
with our spouse and with God, we can't expect God to deliver or to
heal us from something that happened ten years ago.
Broken bridges are very
serious wounds. Because of this, we need to allow the Lord to show us
the breaks in our lives. We probably have forgotten some of the
things that were said or done to cause the breaks. God will reveal
them to us as we ask Him. We have probably repressed most of the
incidents. We should begin immediately to pray for God to reveal them
to us.
An estimated ninety-five
per cent of the people who enter a rehabilitation program had a poor
relationship with their father. They may lack any father relationship
at all. It may not be entirely the fault of the father, but that
really isn't important.
It doesn't matter whose
fault it is. Our purpose is not to find fault, our purpose is to
receive healing. To accomplish that, we have to bring our breaks in
relationship before the Lord and let Him heal those areas in our
lives.
Sometimes we cannot
reconnect with someone, because that person is not open to us or is
no longer living. But we can reconnect to God. We can't change other
people, but God will show us how to love them and forgive them right
where they are. God will give us His insight and His wisdom
concerning our broken relationships.
We may still desire a
close, intimate relationship with a particular person, but that is
sometimes impossible because of the attitude or condition of the
other person. However, God can still heal those hurts and wounds of
the past. He will make the reconciliation possible from our end, even
if the other person is not open to it.
Not all relationships can
be restored, but all wounds inside us can be healed. We may never be
able to have the intimate relationship we want with certain people,
but we will discover that we no longer have to carry around the hurts
and the wounds that we suffered from that relationship.
As we bring these things
before the Lord, He will enable us to begin to understand the people
who have hurt us. Understanding them is not the same as forgiving
them, but understanding helps give us insight as to what happened.
That is an important part of the healing process. It is much easier
to forgive and to be set free when we understand more about others,
about ourselves and about God's principles.
Actually, that is what
healing is about. Forgiveness is the key to healing. For if you
forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also
forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not
forgive your transgressions. (Matthew
6: 14,15)
When we are unwilling to
forgive, we are reserving the right to get even. God is unable to
forgive us until we are willing to forgive others and seek
forgiveness ourselves. Forgiveness is a spiritual law from which we
cannot escape. Like the law of gravity, "What goes up, must go down."
If we judge others, the very same characteristic we see in them that
we dislike, will be repeated in us until we forgive.
One of our breaks in
relationship could be with our spouse, so let's look at co-dependency
and how it is formed. As chemical addiction breaks a marriage, the
woman naturally looks for reconnection. In the process, she becomes a
classic enabler. She begins to behave in a way she believes will
bring intimacy back into the marriage
The connection is broken
because the husband is out of the home, drinking and drugging. The
chemical addiction is the husband's attempt at the recovery process.
He tries to anesthetize the pain he feels, the loneliness, the
depression, the unworthiness, and the shame
The wife, who has now
become the co-dependent, has the same feelings as her husband. She
feels shame, guilt, anger, rejection, and abandonment. Her attempt at
recovery is to try to solve all the problems. Her behavior becomes
erratic as she attempts to fix her husband so the marriage can be
reconnected.
There is a major danger in
co-dependency and chemical addiction. When the attempt is being made
to reconnect a break, the parties involved may look to another
relationship. They may try a substitute relationship, thinking if
they connect to another person they can regain what they had in the
beginning.
Women who have been married
to alcoholics for a long time continue to seek the "all is well"
connection. They may substitute relationships with the hope that they
will feel reconnected. Of course, that will never work. It will
always lead back to the same emptiness. The reconnection process can
only begin with the acceptance of Jesus Christ.
All the teaching we receive
in this program flows together, and we will have occasion to use it
throughout the program. Even after conversion, some of our old habits
will rise to the surface.
For example, euphoric
recall will still come into play, especially as we begin to feel good
again physically, and fresh mentally. BUD will also happen. We have
been involved with chemicals a long time, and it will take a while to
return to complete normalcy.
In addition, we should know
that we are dealing with spiritual warfare. Satan really wants to
destroy us, and he will shoot tempting thoughts our way, such as,
"Everything is all right, the pain is gone; therefore, we can go
celebrate." We must remember that Paul said, "I have not arrived."
This is probably a direct contradiction to how we feel and think. We
may have our spouse back, sobriety, good feelings, money in our
pockets, and a job. We may feel, "We have arrived!" Euphoric recall
plays on that.
A final word, the things we
say with our mouths have a tremendous influence upon people in our
relationships. We must understand, especially those who are parents,
that our words are very, very important.
Everything we have covered
in this session has occurred because of the tongue of someone with
whom we had a meaningful relationship. Physical abuse is bad, but the
tongue is capable of total life destruction.
HOMEWORK:
Write with as much detail as possible, a hurtful event that occurred
in your childhood. Describe who hurt you, where you were hurt, how
old you were, etc. Then determine that person's responsibility and
what you are accountable for.
Session
Two . . . Broken Bridges
Personal And Group
Exercise
1. Describe a bridge of
connectedness.
2. If an important bridge
was broken when we were young, how does that affect us?
3. Why do we choose
chemicals as a method to repair a broken connection?
4. What is the only way
reconnection can begin?
5. How is it possible that
our ignorance of God's principles could be part of our problem?
6. How important are the
words we speak to others and the words they speak to us?