Session One . . . Introduction
Points For Discussion
1. It is often difficult for the chemically addicted to handle sobriety because the deep emotional wounds are no longer medicated. Feelings such as inferiority and insecurity are free to surface and become too difficult to handle. This prompts us to return to our chemical addiction.
2. Negative memories act as barriers through which all life's circumstances must be filtered. A sincere compliment is filtered through our negative memories of inadequacies. This dilutes the compliment, and we are inclined to receive it as insincere. Negative memories have a tendency to offset all positive events in our lives. We find ourselves looking for the negatives in every relationship and every situation.
3. The present is all we have. The past can be used as a reference point for learning, but it has very little value other than that. God is interested in utilizing our present lives, but He is unable to use us so long as we are bound to the past. When the present becomes our focus, we will very likely not repeat the failures of the past.
4. A one dimensional attitude does not take into consideration the consequences of our actions. Our focus is only upon what we desire, no matter what the cost may be to others. A three dimensional attitude looks at the past, learns from it and looks toward the future and plans for it.
5. A break in relationship occurs when we receive an emotional wound. This is most likely to be caused by someone we respect or love. We have placed a high value on the relationship, and the other person breaches the trust or disregards our feelings.
6. Unless we reconnect, we feel incomplete. Unfortunately, very often we find that it is impossible to reconnect with the one with whom the connection was broken. This causes frustration, or perhaps even trauma, because we feel we will be forced to go through life in our present unfulfilled state. It is a blessing to discover that God has made provision for our reconnection.
Session Two . . . Broken Bridges
Points For Discussion
1. A bridge of connectedness occurs when we feel secure and accepted by another person, not because of something we have done, or can do, but just because we are ourselves. Bridges of connectedness can exist between two people, or among a group of people.
2. If an important bridge was broken when we were young, we lost our sense of security and acceptance. Unless that bridge is repaired, we will spend the rest of our lives trying to reconstruct the bridge, or trying to ease the pain from the break
3. Chemicals give us a false sense of security. The pain leaves as we enter our fantasy land. We see things as we wish them to be, rather than as they really are. Although we are deceiving ourselves, we continue to use the chemicals because they enable us to avoid the awful truth of what is happening in our lives.
4. There is no other way for true reconnection to take place apart from a relationship with God. Only God can heal the deep inner pain within us. Only God can bring us to the point of being able to look directly at the past. Only God can reach into the deepest recesses of our hearts and apply the healing balm of His forgiveness.
5. God is a loving God, but He is also a just God. He has established certain principles, and He has never compromised those principles. When we are unfamiliar with His principles, we often find ourselves to have problems. For example, we may hate our father because of his abuse. Hatred is a sin for which we must ask forgiveness. Unless we face this principle of God, and respond to it as He has instructed us to, we are condemning ourselves to receive an equal amount of negative impact from the world around us
6. Words can bring life, or they can bring death. "From the same mouth come both blessing and cursing... (James 3:10). Words are especially powerful when they are spoken from a parent to a child, or from one spouse to another. Words can destroy a relationship, or they can cement a relationship. Because of the importance of the words we speak, we should exercise as much wisdom as possible when we communicate with others.
Session Three . . . Rejection
Points For Discussion
1. Emotional wounds continue to affect us because they have never been given the opportunity to heal. Most of those wounds occurred at an age when we were very vulnerable. Now we avoid vulnerability at all costs. This refusal to make ourselves vulnerable actually prohibits us from experiencing life to the fullest.
2. Self-rejection means we are convinced we don't fit into society. Because we see ourselves as misfits, we see no point in attempting to improve our position in life. Eventually, this will lead us to despair.
3. Because we feel we are unacceptable as we are, we attempt to become someone else. We usually pattern ourselves after someone we admire. We assume that person has no problems because he or she seems to live a well-balanced life, filled with many friendships. Although we try to emulate that person, we always fail because we have failure built into our character.
4. We can sometimes overlook physical abuse when the abuser apologizes, but it is impossible to overlook being ignored. When love is not forthcoming, or when an important person is not there when we need him or her, it is a devastating experience. This is someone we love and respect and need. We can't handle rejection by that person. Such an attitude inflicts a deep emotional wound that has a long-lasting effect.
5. Cults fill a need in the lives of some. When we are rejected, we always seek love and acceptance to fill the void. Cults usually make it a point to accept a new member unconditionally, regardless of background. This makes a rejected person feel worthwhile. Cults seem to give stability and purpose, both of which are lacking in a dysfunctional home.
6. The only way we can be healed from the rejection we received is to bring the memory of that rejection back to the surface to be dealt with. This may be painful for a brief time, but it is worth the temporary pain in order to get rid of the permanent pain that has been riding beneath the surface and affecting our lives and our relationship with others. When we bring the rejection into the presence of God, we discover that no matter how deep the trauma may have been, God is able and willing to impart His healing power into the situation and set us free.
Session Four
Ö.The Fruit of Rejection and Reasons For Rejection
Points For Discussion
1. God has created every human being with the necessity to be loved. It is the fuel that generates a healthy, productive life. Rejection cuts off the flow of love, just as a tourniquet cuts off the flow of blood. Without the flow of blood to one of our hands, it will wither and die. It is the same when the flow of love is cut off. A portion of us withers and dies. And there is no way it can be restored without the Divine power of our loving God.
2. If we accept the rejection, it will have a negative effect upon our lives. We must understand that we have every right to be, because God has brought us forth. He breathed His breath in us, and He has a Divine purpose for our lives, regardless of what kind of emotions our parents were going through at our time of birth.
3. God makes no mistakes and God ordained our sex when He created us and gave us life. Our parents may have wanted a child of the opposite sex, but that was simply a selfish desire on their part. Healthy parents desire a healthy child, and should give thanks to God when one is presented to them. We cannot waste our lives trying to please our parents with unnatural behavior.
4. First of all, we can praise God that we were not aborted, but were given an opportunity to live a full and successful life. The time may come when we will want to reconnect the bridge that was broken between our parents and ourselves. If so, there are organizations which function for that purpose. In the meantime, we can make the most of our lives, with Christ as the center.
5. Verbal abuse can sometimes be more damaging than physical abuse. This is especially true when we believe the abusive words. We tend to own what we believe; therefore, when we have been told we were stupid, we may have bought that lie. We must get the right perspective about who we are in Christ. Also, it might help to understand where our parents were, emotionally, when they made such statements to us.
6. The first thing we must understand is that we were not to blame for the abuse, even though the blame may have been put upon us. Shame, anger, and many other emotional reactions accompany this type of abuse. As in all other areas of rejection, the primary healing vehicle will be forgiveness. This will be dealt with, in depth, in another part of this study.
Session Five . . . Grieving
Points For Discussion
1. Unless we learn how to grieve, we will carry the burden of our hurt, anger and fear throughout our lives. These conditions affect every aspect of our lives, including our relationship with others. Our attitudes can become so habitual that we are not even aware we have them.
2. We have a tendency to build a tough shield inside us that protects us from the infiltration of others. We never want to place ourselves in a vulnerable position. We feel it was our vulnerability that exposed us to the hurt, and we do not want to repeat the process. Unfortunately, that tough shield prohibits us from enjoying a deep, personal relationship with anyone, even our spouse. The result is that we are never quite able to live life to the fullest.
3. Our hidden emotions force us to keep our guard up at all times. We even find it hard to receive a sincere compliment without filtering it through our negative programming. We become difficult to get to know; therefore, we have few close friends. We may cover our emotions with clownish behavior, with anger, or with some other conduct. We hide behind these practices because they make us feel safe and comfortable.
4. When we can see only our side of a painful situation, we are inclined to drift toward self-pity. We do not consider the possibility of the pain that may have driven the one who hurt us. Also, it is impossible for us to even consider the possibility that God can use our painful experience in a beneficial way. We are unable to look beyond ourselves, or to look at the incident objectively. When we submit the incident to God, however, He enables us to see it through different eyes. Our understanding is broadened, and our concept is changed. This becomes a giant step toward healing.
5. Grieving is stressful. Initially, it is a wholesome stress, but if we continue grieving it becomes a burden that we carry around like a cross. The purpose of grieving is to obtain a release from the inner pain. However, if we insist upon concentrating upon the pain and grieving about it, the negative product begins to grow until it takes over our personality. When we grieve properly, we allow Jesus to remove whatever is blocking our connection to Him. When the connection is made, the time for grieving has ended.
6. We should never force the Lord in this healing process. As we bring Him into our lives He will show us those areas or incidents that stand between Him and us. He will not overload us with past pain. Instead, He will move us to handle one thing at a time. As we submit that situation to Him, the healing will take place. We will then be ready for the next area of our lives in which He wants to free us.
Session Six . . . Forgiveness
Points For Discussion
1. Forgiveness is a key to mental health. Through forgiveness, our emotional wounds are healed and our relationship with others is restored. When we are willing to forgive, this places us in right relationship with God, whose very nature is to forgive. Without forgiveness, there is no harmony with God. His principle is that we must forgive if we are to have sound, healthy lives. Our willingness to submit to that principle proves to God that we are willing to obey His commands.
2. It is difficult to forgive because we don't feel like forgiving. We have been mistreated, and we look upon forgiveness as an act of kindness toward someone who doesn't deserve kindness. We fail to understand that forgiveness can be more beneficial to us than to the person we are forgiving.
3. It is important for us to deal with specifics; therefore, we must face the event and the pain it brought us. Unless we do this, we are dealing in generalities, and there can be no direct forgiveness unless there is a specific incident to be used for reference. We must also look honestly at our reaction to the painful incident. We may be harboring hatred without realizing it. If so, that must be brought to the surface, recognized as sin, and we must receive forgiveness for that sin.
4. The cross is the focal point for all forgiveness. The ability to truly forgive comes from God. It was expressed through the sacrifice of Jesus. Because forgiveness is available to us, we have the ability to pass it on to others. When we see the loving nature of God and His forgiveness, it becomes easier for us to forgive others.
5. If we were to rely solely upon our emotions, we would probably never forgive others. Our hurt and our anger are probably legitimate. We have every right to feel as we do. But, if we relied upon those feelings, we could never bring ourselves to forgive. Forgiveness is based upon our decision, not upon our emotions.
6. Repentance is a decision to turn away from our self-oriented feelings, and to turn toward God. Forgiveness is an act of repentance, because it is an expression of obedience to God's way of doing things, rather than our way. We take God and His Word to be true. He instructs us how to forgive; we lay aside our negative feelings and obey Him. When we forgive, we discover that He has forgiven us and set us free!
Session Seven . . . The Condominium Concept
Points For Discussion
1. Unless we get in touch with our true feelings, we will not be able to receive a total healing from the Lord. The only way to get in touch with those feelings is to recall the traumatic incidents in our lives, those incidents we can't shake free from our memories as negative events. When we recall those memories, if the pain is still there, it is a sign that a healing should take place. Those are areas we should relive with Jesus.
2. Inner healing must be specific. Unless we deal with specific details and people in our past lives, there can be no real healing. Having a floor for each year of our lives enables us to focus specifically on every year of our past. As we take the time to allow God to return us to those specific areas, we give Him the opportunity to bring specific events to the surface. Only then can they be dealt with.
3. To vividly recall them with Christ is to watch them heal. If we experience healing of some painful event that happened when we were 10 years old, it doesn't mean we have to revert to a 10 year old. We stay our same age, and observe the incident as an onlooker rather than as a participant. It may still be painful, but not as painful as it was at the time, because we now have Christ to comfort us
4. We should never be in a hurry to get negative incidents out of the way. We want Jesus to have the time to do quality work. We are after a complete healing of each incident. We can't accomplish this if we try to drag a number of incidents into the picture at one time.
5. Jesus reconstructed the circumstances for Peter, and that is what He wants to do with us. It is important that we include as many details of the past event as we can remember. The more specific the recall, the greater the opportunity we are giving Jesus to heal us.
6. Jesus knows more about our lives than we do. He knows which events had a more devastating effect upon us. He is in a better position to know what past events have taken our lives away from the direction He would like for us. When we allow Jesus to bring those areas to the surface, our healing will take place sooner, and it will have a more beneficial effect upon the remainder of our lives.
Session Eight . . . Judgments and Soul Ties
Points For Discussion
1. Good soul ties are meant to be established, first through the relationship between parents and children. As the healthy child matures, he can then establish healthy soul ties with a limited number of close friends. Later, he becomes ready to establish his closest soul tie, through marriage. After this, the married couple can establish mutual soul ties with other Christians.
2. Evil soul ties have their roots in lust of one form or another. Sexual lust is the most prevalent and the most dominant. Soul ties with evil companions lead to wickedness, and eventually to death. Homosexuality is a prime example of an evil soul tie.
3. When the soul tie isn't established between the parents and the child, the child is likely to spend the rest of his or her life trying to reconnect the missing tie. Through continual searching, the child becomes vulnerable to substitute soul ties, most of which are evil. As the confusion continues, the soul ties established may become more perverted and evil.
4. The most common type perversion occurs when the parent refuses to cut the soul tie at the time of the child's marriage. The parent uses the soul tie to control the child after marriage. Incest is also a type of perverted family soul tie.
5. To judge is to sow. When we judge, it is like planting a seed. We always judge from an exalted position (notice that judge's benches are always elevated). This is an exercise of our pride. The Bible clearly states that God sets Himself against the proud; therefore, we can expect to receive a dose of our own judgmental medicine every time we judge someone.
6. Soul ties are between specific people; therefore, the breaking of soul ties should be with those specific people. It is the same when we are asking forgiveness for judging someone. If names cannot be brought to mind, descriptions to identify the person or the occasion should be used. Also, the more specific we can be the more specific we are able to repent, either for the soul tie, or for the judging.
Session Nine . . . Identifying With Jesus
Points For Discussion
1. Philippians 2:5-8 tells us that although Jesus existed in the form of God, equal to God (the 2nd Person of the Trinity), He emptied Himself of His Godly nature and came to earth as a human being. Because He felt everything that a human being can feel, He can identify with our feelings; therefore, He can understand what we are going through as we face the trials of life.
2. When we look at the genealogy of Jesus, we see all sorts of imperfections, people He could easily have been ashamed of. But Jesus didn't give His genealogy a second thought. Since He is our example, we can see that we should not permit a faulty family tree to hinder us. There is no reason we should walk in shame because of something done by one of our ancestors. We should also never use that as an excuse for our own dysfunctional behavior.
3. Very often, negative habit patterns will repeat themselves down through the generations, but rarely is it because they have been inherited. More often, the child receives the brunt of mistreatment from a parent who, let us say, is an alcoholic. The child hates alcohol and what it does to people, so he vows never to touch a drop. Unfortunately, what we focus upon in life always enlarges, whether it is positive or negative. Through hatred (which is almost as strong as love), the child has focused upon alcohol. It has been incubating within him. Inevitably, it will eventually surface, and the child will find himself in bondage to the very thing he hates the most. To avoid this scenario, we are to take our hatred, or fear, or resentment to Jesus, our High Priest. He alone can break that generational chain.
4. We simply turn our focus upon Jesus. If we have been hurt by rejection, we give that hurt to Jesus. We may write in our journals that we are giving it to Him. When He gives us His reply, we will be relieved to discover that He has taken it from us. We should do this with every problem we face. When we bring Jesus into the picture, we step immediately out of bondage and into freedom.
5. If we are in the habit of coming to Jesus before our time of need, it will be easy for us to come to Him when we are in a time of need. Unless we have developed the habit of taking everything to Jesus, we are apt to try to fight our way out of a situation on our own. This will cause us to suffer unnecessarily until we come to our senses and call upon Jesus to deliver us.
6. The real key to inner healing is the application of the Gospel to our lives. Jesus came to give us abundant life. Only He can accomplish this in our lives. Until we have the step of faith to involve Jesus in our entire lives, we will not experience total inner healing.
Session Ten . . . Scabs, Scars, Success
Points For Discussion
1. Forgiveness and the need to forget are not connected in any way. Forgiveness is rarely supported by our emotions. We don't forgive because we feel like forgiving. When we remember a hurtful experience it doesn't generate within us a desire to forgive the person who inflicted the hurt upon us. Usually, the opposite occurs. We remember the hurt, and resentment or hatred boils up inside us. Forgiveness can only take place when we decide to forgive, out of obedience to our Lord's command. When we do forgive, we discover that a healing takes place within us. We experience such an inner change that we become able to recall the negative incident without experiencing the hurt or the hatred.
2. Unforgiveness places us in bondage to the person we are unwilling to forgive. This becomes a burden we carry with us every day. It is as if we are shackled to a negative incident, and we filter all our daily experiences through that negativity. This causes disharmony within our physical and mental functions. Sometimes the disharmony becomes so great it causes physical or mental sickness. Forgiveness releases all that disharmony and allows our systems to function in a positive fashion. This brings about healing.
3. Scars are positive because they indicate a healing has taken place. It there is no scar, there is no healing; therefore, the wound is still active. It is either bleeding, or it has scabbed over. The problem with scabs is that the wound is still sensitive. It is easy to dislodge a scab so the bleeding can begin anew, as if the wound was fresh. This can't happen after a wound has been healed and covered by a scar. Scars are usually stronger than the original skin
4. Refusing God's healing is saying "No!" to God. That is obvious rebellion. God is always ready to take us in His arms and cover us with His healing love. He wants healthy human beings who are willing to serve Him. If we are not healthy, we may try to serve Him, but we will always be influenced by the negativity of the unforgiveness in our hearts. We are so influenced by the bitterness, that it is impossible to reflect God's unconditional love to others. It is very difficult for God to use a rebellious person in a positive way.
5 It is in His role as High Priest that Jesus can take our negative sacrifices from us and replace them with His love. As High Priest, He intercedes for us. He represents us to the Father. He wants to wash us with the water of His Word, and remove the blemishes from us. He is willing to purify us. Our part is to have the faith to take all our negative experiences and attitudes to Him, and let Him consume them with His holy fire.
6. True success is to fulfill the call God has placed on our lives. We can be successful in the eyes of men, but that is worldly success, temporal, with no eternal value. When we are willing to lay down our lives and submit ourselves to His kingship, Jesus will lead us. He will direct our steps according to His plan. The result will be true success in life, because the things we do will have eternal value. Along with that kind of success will come all the fruit of the Spirit and our lives will be completely fulfilled.
Session Eleven . . . Low Self Esteem And The Importance Of A Goal
Points For Discussion
1. If we allow low self-esteem to continue to have a dominant influence over our lives, we will never reach the full potential that God planned for us. We will always filter everything in our lives through our low self-esteem. That means we will be diluting whatever opportunity is placed before us. We must learn to trust God and His wisdom as He directs our paths. God does not make mistakes. When He presents us with an opportunity, He equips us to handle it.
2. We continue to sin simply because we don't understand our new nature. We believe that because we have sinned in the past, we will continue to sin. This is because we have our eyes upon ourselves rather than upon Jesus. It is true that our flesh is incapable of making any permanent change. But as we release control of our lives to Jesus, He makes the necessary changes in us.
3. If we try to decrease, we will be fighting a losing battle. The key lies in our willingness to bring Jesus into our lives on an ever-increasing basis. The greater His influence in us, the less influence our flesh will have. The increase must precede the decrease; it is not the other way around. As Jesus increases, we will decrease.
4. Any fear inhibits us. This is especially true when we are overly sensitive about the opinions of others. We adjust our behavior to conform to the acceptance of society. This forces us to compromise. A disciplined follower of Christ can never compromise his relationship with his Lord in order to please people. If so, he is placing people before God in his priorities. That means he is worshipping false idols.
5. The primary character of the E Factor is impatience. When we are impatient, we almost always miss God. God is never in a hurry, but He is always perfect. On the other hand, we are always in a hurry, and we are never perfect. We should be able to see this clearly, but the desires of the flesh are strong, and they demand to be satisfied expediently.
6. One reason for consulting Christ when establishing our goals is to prove to Him that He is God in our lives. We can call Him "Lord," but our actions will reveal our hearts. Unless we bring Him into our goal making, we will be totally under the influence of the selfishness of our flesh. We may reach such a goal, but we will never be satisfied. When we allow Jesus to be involved in our goals, our lives will become filled with His blessings.
Session Twelve . . . The Purpose Of Life
Points For Discussion
1. It will be difficult for me to establish a purpose for my life unless I am willing to examine my past life and how I have reacted to it. Although it is painful to look at the past, it is necessary, in order for me to understand my own past behavior. As I release control over my life to Jesus, I can also release my future to Him. One of the by-products of building a relationship with Jesus is that He will show me the direction He wants my life to take.
2. We have not been called by God to live a selfish life. There is nothing wrong with money; it is the love for money that is evil. If we concentrate upon accumulating wealth, it will occupy all our productive time. This means we will be working for something that has no eternal value. No matter how much wealth we accumulate, we will not be able to take any with us when we move into the life after death. It is much better if we concentrate upon laying up treasures in heaven. We do this through obedience to the Word.
3. Our problem is that we have been living our lives on our feelings, and it has gotten us nowhere. If we do only those things that feel good, they will eventually lead us to an early death, because our feelings are in our flesh, and our flesh can never really be satisfied. It is the nature of flesh to always want more, because the flesh is self indulgent.
4. God has made us in such a way that we can only concentrate upon one thing at a time. This means if we concentrate upon serving the world, we cannot serve God at the same time. The world has a way of infiltrating our lives and making great demands on us. When we yield to it, it distracts us from the time we would have to serve God.
5. The major characteristic of the man who has a right purpose is that he has a close personal relationship with God This enables God to work emotional healing and restoration of relationships in his life. As he develops his relationship with God, his purpose in life materializes and he becomes a functional human being.
6. The way for me to live God's purpose for my life is to stay in a close relationship with God at all times. I maintain that close relationship by establishing a daily quiet time in which I pray to God and journal His answers to me. As I continue that relationship, God guides me in a way that will fulfill His purpose for my life.
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